


Letting Go, Does Not Mean Forgetting

by ballumsworld



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben is struggling, Boys In Love, Callum is an angel and just wants his man, Domestic ballum, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-06 02:48:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21219317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballumsworld/pseuds/ballumsworld
Summary: Pam Coker returns to Walford for a surprise visit, Ben does not handle it very well.Based loosely on the spoilers for next week.Enjoy!





	1. Monday

Ben stirs in his sleep, and is greeted by a warm arm snaking around his waist, pulling him in closer.

"Morning." Callum's voice is hoarse yet somehow soft as he whispers in his ear.

Ben shivers under Callum's touch. It had been a long time since he had done something like this, just sleeping, holding, touching. Callum presses his lips to the back of Ben's neck, the sensation of his hot breath against Ben's skin, making the hairs on the back of Ben's neck stand up.

"Good morning." Ben says after a moment, opening his eyes and wriggling around in Callum's embrace so that he can face him. He glances up at Callum, their lips finding each other in the dim light.

Ben isn't sure exactly how it happened, how waking up together in each other's arms started to feel so natural, so right, so final. Almost as if this was going to be their mornings for the rest of their lives.

"Let's just stay in bed." Ben says, brushing his fingers down Callum's chest.

Callum chuckles, running his own fingers through Ben's hair. "It's our day to take Lexi to school."

There it was, that word. Our. Ben isn't sure how Callum ended up being a permanent tag along when it was his day to take Lexi to school either, but he liked it.

Callum rolls onto his back, his hand doesn't drop from around Ben's waist. Ben pouts, he's not ready to start the day yet. He wants a little more time in his morning bubble with Callum, before all the chaos comes rushing in.

Ben props himself up on one of his elbows and scoots himself closer to Callum, resting his head on Callum's chest. "5 more minutes." Ben says, closing his eyes.

"Okay." Callum says softly, moving his hand to the small of Ben's back, running his fingers along his spine.

Ben plants a kiss to Callum's chest, his finger tracing across one of the many hickey's he had given Callum during their session last night.

They stay like this for several moments, lying in each other's embrace. Soaking in each other's warmth. It was getting to the point that Ben started to miss Callum as soon as they parted ways, despite their many hours together, it somehow didn't seem long enough. Ben usually found himself wishing sleep away, just so he could spend a few more hours awake with Callum. Talking, whispering, kissing, just knowing each other, all of each other.

Callum shifts slightly, not wanting to be the one to break up their moment. But he knows that if he doesn't do it, then neither of them will and the consequence of that would be a not-so-patient Lexi banging on their door. He presses his lips to the top of Ben's head, tapping him on the shoulder gently, signalling Ben to let him out of bed. Ben's reluctant at first and instead of moving, he lifts his head and rests his chin on Callum's chest, pouting.

"Come on, I'll make us some breakfast." He gives Ben an apologetic smile.

Ben sticks out his bottom lip, hoping to persuade Callum to stay with him just a little bit longer, before everyone starts grabbing at him, but he knows he's not going to win. Callum takes the opportunity to lean forward and peck Ben's lips, manoeuvring Ben as he does so that he's now lying on his back with Callum looming over him.

"Callum, if you wanted to go another round, all you had to do was ask." Ben smirks, bucking his hips up against Callum.

Callum licks his bottom lip and then kisses Ben once more. He stretches his hand across to the bedside table, retrieving Ben's glasses. He breaks the kiss and waves the specs in front of Ben. "Time to get up."

Ben groans but reluctantly puts his glasses on and watches as Callum hops out of bed and heads for the shower. He stays in bed for a couple more minutes, his nose pressing against Callum's pillow, familiarising himself with his scent. A reminder that this is real, that Callum is his.

The faint sound of the water running in the shower snaps him out of his daze. He throws his legs out the side of the bed and heads to the shower, deciding to steal a few extra minutes with Callum.

*******

Lexi is sat on the side of the counter in her pyjamas, eating a slice of toast with jam. Callum is hovering over the frying pan and neither of them notice Ben enter.

He leans against the doorway, arms folded as he watches his daughter entice Callum with her Mitchell charm. It had only been several weeks since Callum had publicly come out and after a number of successful dates, Ben had introduced Callum to Lexi. He had expected her to at least hold back before throwing all her energy and enthusiasm at him, but that was not Lexi. She was bold and brave and definitely her father’s daughter. Within a week she had Callum wrapped around her finger, as she did with everyone.

Lexi finishes her toast and manages to get jam stuck in the corner of her mouth. Callum seems to move without thinking, abandoning the pan and stepping towards Lexi. He licks the pad of his thumb and wipes the jam away before putting his thumb in his mouth and cleaning the jam off. He always did things so casually, so easy, it was like everything came as second nature to Callum, as if he had been present in both of their lives since the beginning. Ben was grateful for the fact that there was no awkward adjustment period, but as much as he loved having Callum around, there was still that little voice at the back of his mind telling him that this isn't permanent. That it won't last. That he'll mess it up and it won't just be Callum that gets hurt this time, it'll be Lexi too.

Callum must have heard Ben's thoughts rushing around in his head because he turns to face him, snapping Ben out of his trance. "How long you been standing there for?" He quirks, a smile dancing on his lips.

Ben blinks a few times, trying to push the intruding thoughts to the back of his mind. He glances from Callum to Lexi and back again, his lips curling into a smile. "Long enough to catch the one who's been eating all my jam." He remarks, stepping towards Lexi, and picking her up.

Callum stands there in awe, a wide grin on his mouth as Ben tickles Lexi and spins her around the kitchen, her giggles like music to his ears. This was Callum's life too. He counts himself lucky that he ended up with people he considers family, it wasn't just Ben, he had gained Lexi, Lola, Jay, Kathy, Bobby and even Ian. His little unit. That's why he hung out at Ben's so much, because when he was with him, all the loneliness he had felt was swept away, like a tide had swooped in and drove it out to sea, leaving it their as he moved on with his life.

When Ben sets Lexi on her feet, she's still giggling and Callum can't stop the laugh that rises from his chest.

It was moments like these that he loved most of all, how Ben's kindness and love for the ones he cares about finally showed.

"Right, princess. You go get ready for school." Ben says planting a kiss to Lexi's forehead before she speeds away up the stairs.

It's not until Callum is fully facing him, that he notices it. "Is that my t-shirt?" Ben asks, eyeing the olive green t-shirt that clung to Callum's body.

"Yeah. I, uh, I hope you don't mind. I just needed something to put on for cooking." Callum says, "I didn't want to get the suit dirty."

Ben raises his brow, "So you thought my wardrobe was the solution, eh?" He says, stepping closer to Callum.

"Well, all my stuff is at the flat." Callum wraps his arms around Ben's waist, pulling him in. "Maybe it's time you gave me a draw in your room?"

Ben isn't sure if Callum realises what he just said, or the connotations behind it. He doesn't get time to dwell on it long because Callum now has a hand on his neck and is pulling him up for a kiss.

That's how it seemed to be. It was as though Callum had been so touch deprived, that whenever he had the chance to kiss Ben, he did. He didn't care who was around, Callum would just snake a hand around Ben's neck, and the next thing Ben knew his lips were locked with Callum's, not that he was complaining.

"Get a room, you two, will you!" Lola's voice comes from behind them. "I haven't even had any breakfast yet."

Callum laughs at Lola's comment, releasing Ben from his grip and turning his focus back to the pan.

*******

When breakfast is done, they walk Lexi to school. She hugs both Callum and Ben before they wave her off through the school gates, and set off towards the cafe.

Kathy greets them warmly when they enter, "Hello, boys. What can I get you?"

"2 buns and 2 tea's please, Mrs B." Callum grins, fishing out his wallet from his suit jacket.

"For the millionth time, Callum. You can call me Kathy." She rolls her eyes playfully at him.

They take the corner booth by the window, the main reason being it was secluded off from the rest of the cafe, and they could steal their last few moments of the morning with each other before the responsibilities of work came knocking.

"I was thinking we could go out later.” Callum says as Ben takes a bite of his bun.

“Oh yeah?” His voice muffled from all the chewing.

"Yeah." Callum smiles and cocks his head to the side, “Why? You got something on?”

Ben stretches his foot towards Callum underneath the table, brushing his leg against Callum's. “I don't know if I've got anything on, but I do know what I'd like to be under.” He teases, his foot rising further up Callum's calf.

“Ben!” Callum scolds playfully, nudging Ben's foot away with his own.

Ben smirks at Callum across the table, raising his hands placatingly. “I thought you liked playing footsie, babe. Or maybe that was just when we're in private.”

“Don't.” Callum warns, “I've got work.”

Raising his leg underneath the table, Ben snakes his foot around Callum's ankle and begins rubbing the side of his foot against the back of Callum's leg. “So have I.” He smiles. "Although, my place of work doesn't have as many dead people watching us as yours.”

“Ben!" Callum says, his tone light, amused even. "People have got to eat in here.” He tries to fight the smile tugging against the corners of his mouth, but Ben notices it, of course he does.

Ben laughs, leaning forward across the table, "Shall I tell you what I'd like to be eating right now?” He quirks his brow as Callum glances around the cafe, his cheeks flushing a light shade of crimson.

“Ben Mitchell!” A soft voice disturbs them.

Ben looks towards the direction of the voice, his stomach dropping when he finds the owner.

“Pam?” He asks, narrowing his eyes as he slides out of the booth.

“No change in your manners, I see.” She wags a finger at him, stepping forward. “Get over here and say hello.”

Ben does.

He races towards her, swooping her up into a hug. “It's so good to see you.” He says, planting a kiss on her cheek before pulling away.

“Well, I'm surprised you can see me at all.” She laughs, “No glasses, no hearing aid, you're a changed man!” She taunts, pressing her fingers to his chin, turning his head from side to side as she pretends to inspect him.

Ben doesn't inch away from her grasp, he glances down at his feet. “Moving with the times, ain't I? Contacts and this little bad boy.” He grins as he pulls the small hearing aid out of his ear, flashing it to Pam before placing it back in. “Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have met you at the tube.” Ben says.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. It's been so long since we talked, so much for keeping in touch, eh?” She raises her brows. “This place hasn't changed one bit.” She says glancing around, her eyes settling on something behind Ben, or rather someone. “Except for him. He's new.”

Ben follows her gaze and is met with a very confused Callum standing a couple steps behind him.

“A friend of yours, I assume?” She nudges him with her elbow.

“Uh, yeah, this is Callum.” Ben scratches the top of his ear, “Callum this is P-”

“Pam Coker.” She cuts in, stepping forward and stretching her hand out towards Callum.

Callum shakes her hand, “Callum Highway.” He gives her a small smile before locking eyes with Ben.

Something changes on Callum's face and he suddenly feels out of place, like he's intruding somehow. "Coker as in-"

"The funeral parlour, yes!" Pam nods.

But that's not what Callum meant, not really. Ben knows this, too. It seems Callum notices Ben's slumped shoulders and closed off stance, he looks down at the non-existent watch on his wrist and then back up at Pam.

“I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but I should be getting to work." He apologises, "I'll leave you two to it.” He nods, “It was nice to meet you, Mrs Coker.”

“Oh please, call me Pam.” She smiles.

Callum nods again, an awkward chuckle escaping his lips. He slides past her, his fingertips brushing over the small of Ben's back as he exits the cafe. Ben's eyes are focused on his shoes and he doesn't look up when he feels Callum's touch, he waits until he hears the door swing shut before recomposing himself.

“What a lovely young man.” Pam smiles after Callum. “Know him well, do you?”

Ben shrugs, “A little.”

Pam takes a seat in the booth previously occupied by Ben and Callum, “We'll have a cuppa shall we?”

They talk for a short while about what Pam’s been up to since they last spoke. She doesn't mention Les much, so Ben feels the need to ask after him.

“What about Les? Is he doing alright?” He asks, taking a sip of his tea.

“He's seen better days.” She admits, “But he's getting there. He would have come with me if he could.”

Ben gives her a reassuring smile.

“How about you, then?” She says, her hand reaching across the table to grip Ben's. “How have you been?”

For a moment Ben is stunned. Besides Callum, no one has really asked how he is. Why would they? The shooting was over a month ago now. 

He scoffs lightly, tracing the pattern of the mug with his forefinger, “Me? Oh I'm tickety-boo, as always.”

Pam squeezes his hand, “I heard about what happened, love. I would have come to see you if I had known at the time.”

Ben glances up at her, "Spoke to Jay did you?”

Pam nods, “I saw him last week when him and Lola were up at the West End with your Lexi. He told me what had happened and I asked him to keep our little run-in a secret.”

It's quiet for a moment as they take a sip of their tea.

“I'll tell you something though, your Lexi, she's grown up so fast.”

Ben smiles up at the mention of his daughter, “She's a right little madam, ain't she? Got a right gob on her too.”

“I wonder where she gets that from, eh?”

“Let's hope it don't get her in as much trouble as it did me.” Ben laughs, his smile fading a little when he recalls all the times he should have closed his mouth and got in with his life, or rather that one time it mattered the most. The one time he could have saved the man he loved if he would have kept walking rather than talking.

“That's the first time you've laughed since that nice young man left.” Pam leans across the table towards him, “You should've seen the way he was looking at you when you had your back turned to him. I can tell he is very fond of you.”

Ben forces a small smile, grimacing at the idea of discussing his relationship with the grandmother of his ex. Even though it was just Pam, his Pam, a surrogate mother come to think of it. But that didn't stop it from feeling wrong.

“I take it you're fond of him as well?” Pam asks. She sounds genuinely curious, hopeful even, as if she wants Ben to have found happiness.

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He tries again but is cut off when a voice yells ‘Pam!’ from the doorway.

“Hello, darling!” Pam says, sliding out the booth to hug Jay before scooting back in, Jay squeezing in next to her.

“I can't believe you managed to keep Pam's visit a secret.” Ben shoots at Jay, but there's no bite to his words.

Jay chuckles, “Yeah, well, I'm more scared of her than I am of you. So if she says not to tell you she's coming down, then I ain't gonna tell you.”

They talk for what seems like hours. Ben and Jay both seemingly forgetting about work until Jay’s phone pings.

“Guess I best be getting back to the parlour before your boyfriend starts picking out the lining for my coffin.” Jay says, his fingers rapidly brushing across his phone screen.

Ben kicks Jay under the table, but it's too late.

“Boyfriend?” Pam asks, raising her brows. “Why didn't you say anything? You know, I thought he was a little too overdressed for a market stall.” She quirks.

“He's not my boyfriend.” Ben says sternly, folding his arms on the table.

Jay snorts and places his phone back in his pocket, “Better tell him that, mate.”

Ben shifts in his seat, growing more uncomfortable at the subject.

“What would you call it, Pam? Sharing a bed together every night, having breakfast together, walking your kid to school together.” He deliberately emphasises the word ‘together’ as he lists all the ways Ben and Callum are attached at the hip. “Ain't that the stuff boyfriends do?” Jay wiggles his eyebrows at Ben. “Or how about disturbing me in my place of work so that they can make googly eyes at each other?”

“Jay!” Ben snaps.

Raising his palms defensively, “I was just saying.”

“Yeah, well, don't.” Ben bites.

Jay slithers out of the booth. “It was good to see you, Pam.”

“You too, Jay.” She smiles warmly.

Ben runs his hand across his forehead. Everything suddenly seemed so complicated now. Maybe the voice in his head from earlier this morning had been right. A warning even.

“Look, Pam, what he said-”

She stretches her hand across and places it atop Ben's, an attempt at comfort. “Ben, darling, you don't have to keep him a secret." She says. "I'm happy you've found someone."

“I should go.” Ben says after a moment, the lingering silence becoming too much. “I should at least show my face at the Arches before Phil starts yapping on again.” He stops the conversation going any further.

“Course.” Pam says. “I understand, love." She gives him a reassuring smile.

Ben returns the smile and slides out of his seat.

“How about lunch? Tomorrow? My treat?” Pam's tone is hopeful.

The only thing Ben can do is accept. She did travel all the way here just to see him, it would be rude not to accommodate her whilst she's in town. “Alright. I'll see you then.”

He steps out of the cafe and the cold wind bites at his cheeks.

The past few weeks with Callum had been bliss. Ben had allowed himself to be happy, to care, to be vulnerable. Whilst he indulged the moments of joy within the little bubble he had created, he allowed himself to forget. Just for a moment, he had moved on and let the past go. Now it was back. It had caught up to him, reminded him of what he lost once and what he could lose again. It terrified him. He felt like there was more at stake this time.


	2. Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben meets with Pam for lunch and it doesn't go quite as planned.

Callum had stayed over again last night. Clearly, Jay had not mentioned Ben's little outburst at the cafe yesterday, otherwise Callum would certainly not be speaking to him, let alone be in his bed right now. Ben should be happy that he managed to undermine his relationship with Callum in front of his closest friend Jay, as well as Pam, and still manage to sleep next to him. But he wasn't happy. He felt wrong. Ashamed. A coward. After everything they had been through, all the lies, all the heartache, it all felt worthless. In those few minutes with Pam, Ben had managed to destroy everything him and Callum had worked for. What good was a relationship if he had to lie about it?

The guilt was almost unbearable.

The guilt of betraying Callum. Betraying Pam. Betraying Paul.

Ben hadn't slept much last night, he'd been thinking, or rather worrying about what conversation Pam would throw at him over lunch today. Jay had fully dropped him in it yesterday, so much for brotherhood. If there was one thing that Pam wanted to talk about, it would be Callum. If there was one thing Ben wanted to avoid talking about, it was Callum. The whole situation with Callum had started to feel so out of place, like they were sneaking around. It was as if Ben was having some whirlwind affair and was cheating on his wife - his wife being Pam.

His thoughts argued for dominance. It was liar one way, coward the other, but the one word repeating over and over was Callum. It was always Callum. From the moment he had met him in the Vic all those months ago, Callum. Callum. Callum.

His brain is clouded, overwhelmed even. Sure, he was used to the odd voice here and there telling him he didn't deserve Callum, he knew that. But it wasn't that today's thoughts were new, it was that they had all combined together, shouting over each other, repeating themselves over and over again. He could feel the walls of his mind start to close in, cutting off his capacity to think, to breathe. He needed out.

Callum's arm is wrapped around Ben's waist, a habit of his it would seem. He's warm. Ben can feel the heat radiating from Callum's arm and spreading around his abdomen, but it doesn't feel warm or cosy to Ben. It's like a flame, burning into Ben's skin, scarring him, reminding him of how he had managed to ruin even the simple touch.

Ben gently unwraps Callum's arm from his waist and slowly throws his legs out of bed, being careful not to wake Callum.

Of course, he fails.

Callum stirs in his sleep, the faint snore gets stuck in his throat. His hand pats Ben's side of the bed, in search for his lover. His fingers grip the empty sheets, his eyes shooting open instantly. He catches Ben hovering over the bedside table, putting his glasses on.

"Ben?" Callum mumbles, his voice full of sleep. 

"Nature calls." Ben says quietly, not wanting to disturb Callum any further. "I'll be back in a minute." He lies.

Lying was always so easy for Ben. Ever since he was a child. It wasn't easy telling the truth, but Ben was getting better. At least he thought he was. But that was before Pam came back. Now the lies were rolling off his tongue like honey.

He presses his knee to the mattress and leans over Callum, connecting their lips. He didn't deserve to kiss Callum, he knew that. But it was more of a goodbye, or so Ben would think, at least that is what it felt like.

Callum seems oblivious, though. He hums in satisfaction when Ben pulls away. "Hurry up, I'm cold." He murmurs, sleep still heavy in his voice as he drags the covers further up his body.

When Ben comes back from the bathroom, he has replaced his glasses with his contacts and is ready to get out of the house. Callum had fallen back to sleep and he doesn't notice when Ben enters the room to grab the nearest clean top and jeans. He shrugs them on before collecting his shoes and jacket, stealing one last glance at a sleeping Callum before creeping downstairs, trying not to wake the rest of the house.

***

The Park held so many memories for Ben. He had his first kiss with Paul here, his first time with Callum here and Callum had even unofficially broke it off with him, before anything had even started here. The good outweighs the bad, mostly. But it doesn't stop the sharp gut-wrenching pain that comes from each of those memories.

Ben didn't know whether it was the sharpness of the grass against the fog or maybe it was the brightness of the sky against the snow white clouds, but he felt so exposed whenever he came to the park. He had so many beginnings here, so many chances, opportunities, pathways, choices. All of which had led him here.

The park had witnessed Ben when he was vulnerable, when he had allowed himself to feel happiness, reveal his true self. It watched as Ben started his journey with Paul, watched as he indulged in a night of passion and desire with Callum, watched as Callum rejected him. The benches provided a sense of comfort for Ben, he had been exposed in every way possible here, his thoughts battling it out against each other in the open field.

The grass crunches beneath his feet, courtesy of the early morning frost. Ben is grateful for the cold air that nips against his cheeks and nose, almost serving as a punishment for his actions this past day. Considering what Ben had planned, it was a light punishment.

Swinging his legs over the bench, Ben sighs, his breath visible in the bitter wind. The bench was typical of the parks, the rosy cedar browns outlasting each season. Ben runs his fingers over the swirls in the wood grain, his mind racing back to that forbidden night he had with Callum. It didn't seem so long ago to him, if he closes his eyes, he can feel the bench pressing against his stomache as their bodies collided with each other, Ben remembering every detail of Callum's chest against his back, how Callum's thighs bruised the back of his legs during their rushed encounter.

He turns to sit, feeling the slight give in the wood, the all too familiar creak reminding him of when he had pushed Callum on to the bench, straddling him. Ben shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the memory, the sounds of their gasps and moans flooding into his head as he presses his eyes closed.

The wind is cool and refreshing as it tousles through his hair. He lets his eyes flutter shut, the sun disappearing behind a cloud, taking any trace of warmth with it. So many memories for one park, one bench.

Ben ignores the dozens of texts from Callum and impatiently awaits for the text from Pam telling him the location for lunch. He had no idea what the topic of conversation was going to be but if yesterday was anything to go by, Ben wasn't looking forward to it. When he thought about it, well, it could only be one thing, really.

He watches the morning swing into action, the early morning joggers seemingly don't notice him on their path through the park and Ben is glad. He never really was a people person, that was more Callum's speciality.

He imagines what life could be like, the two of them. Together, properly. Maybe he would get more than a forced head nod as he passed through the market. Perhaps people would hear how the lovely, caring, kind Callum, had managed to tame the bad boy of Walford. Maybe some would shoot him a smile as they made their way to work, or even a quick 'Alright?' Ben smiles at the thought, maybe it would be something he would enjoy. Being invited to meals, double dates, gatherings, parties and everything else that the people of Walford seemed to do. He could finally be himself, drop the hard man façade he had spent so long building, not that Callum had believed it anyway. He always saw straight through Ben, understood him, and chose to be with him despite Ben's constant run-ins with trouble.

Callum had saw a glimpse of light in Ben that appeared when he had helped Callum accept who he truly was. He caught the small shimmer of the good person hiding so deep inside of Ben that only showed when he was with Lexi. That was the real Ben. Callum never let go after that. He always encouraged Ben to do better, to be better. Kindness costs nothing, to a non-Mitchell that was. To a Mitchell, to Ben, kindness was a weakness. Maybe that is why he kept that part of himself hidden so deep down inside, locked away, sharing it with those he trusted the most, like his daughter. Like Callum. Maybe that was stupid of him. Maybe letting Callum in, would be his undoing.

Glancing at his phone, Ben seems satisfied that Callum would now be at work, unable to bump into him if he left the park.

He heads to the car lot. Keeping his head down as he slithers past the crowds of people on the market, he gets no smiles, no ‘Alrights’, just a couple of head turns away from him. He makes sure not to look in the direction of the parlour, believing Callum would somehow sense his presence and rush out the door to confront him about disappearing. He quickens his pace when he nears the parlour and doesn't bother slowing it down until he finds himself in the empty car lot office. He locks the door behind himself and flops down into the office chair, hoping to distract his thoughts with paperwork.

Around noon, Ben has received around a dozen more messages from Callum asking his whereabouts and for him to call Callum when he has the chance. His phone vibrates once more and this time it's Pam asking Ben to meet her at Walford East.

And so he does.

“Hello, love.” Pam smiles as Ben slides into the chair across from her. She studies his face, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. There's a crease between his brows, it had somehow become permanent after yesterday's talk.

Ben shoots her a small, forced smile, hoping she'd believe it. He doesn't know what to say, everything was different now.

After years of trying to live his life, move on, find happiness, he had found it. Or had a taste of it, at least. He was content, blissful, enjoying the way Callum made him feel so worthwhile, so visible. He could feel it changing. Callum valued him, respected him, and Ben didn't deserve it.

“Something bothering you, darling?” Pam asks, her eyes reflecting the warmth of her heart. “You don't look like you've slept.” She remarks.

“Nothing a bit of lunch can't fix.” Ben lies, his gaze flickering from Pam to his menu. If Callum's second nature was kindness, Ben's was lying.

Pam places her menu on the table and folds her arms over it, “You can talk to me. You know that don't you, love.”

He presses his lips into a thin line before curling the corner of his mouth into a smirk, “What you having, Pam?” He signals to the menu.

Pam concedes for now, picking the menu back up and placing her order with one of the waiters.

As soon as their food arrives, Ben picks up his fork and digs in, hopeful that having his mouth full will exclude him from answering Pam's burning questions.

“I went by the parlour earlier, bumped into that fella of yours while he was on his way out.” She says, her gaze fixated on her plate. “Callum? Was it?”

“He ain’t my fella.” Ben lies, the world falling from his mouth a little too quickly, “He’s just a mate.”

Pam hums, it's clear she doesn't believe Ben. "I've certainly heard that one before." She chuckles to herself. “How long has he been working there, then?”

“About 6 months.” Ben huffs out, trying to display his obvious disinterest in the topic of discussion. It's not the fact that he was disinterested in Callum, he was far from it. He would talk about Callum all day if he could without sounding like a sappy young teenager from a romance novel. But it was the person he was having the conversation with that was the problem. “Look, Pam-”

"Nice for Jay to have a bit of company. Well, company that can actually talk back.” She snorts at her own joke.

“Still got the gallows humour, I see.” Ben cracks a genuine smile this time.

Pam quirks her brow, “After being in the industry for so long, not even retirement can change the humour.” She laughs.

They're quiet for a moment, the two of them enjoying their lunch in a content silence. Ben actually prefers this to the actual conversation, it had been so long since he last saw Pam. He wasn't in a good place back then, sure she had forgiven him for what happened, but a lot has changed since then, at least it had for Ben.

“I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.”

Ben smirks, “I thought you just fancied a nice bit of grub.” He teases.

Pam wavers him off, tutting at him when he chuckles. “I mean why I'm in Walford.” She shakes her head, “After Jay told me about what happened at the Vic with that boy and the gun, oh Ben, I got so worried. The thought of losing you-”

“I'm fine, Pam.” He smiles at her, trying to diffuse the worry in her voice.

“Thanks to Callum, or so I hear.” She reaches her hand across the table, placing it on Ben’s arm, forcing him to look at her. “You don't have to hide him from me, you know."

Ben meets her gaze, her face softens as she squeezes his arm gently.

“Jay told me about what he did for you. Kept you awake. Kept you alive. It's obvious that he cares for you.” She says, “And I can see you care for him too.”

“He's a good person.” Ben's tone is soft, the kind of tone he has when he speaks to Lexi.

Pam smiles, “I don't doubt that he is.” She withdraws her hand from Ben, taking a sip of her water. “Jay told me all about you and him. How happy he's made you these last few weeks.”

"We're just mates." He repeats. "Not that it's any of Jay's business."

"I was so pleased to hear you were doing better, living your life.” She pauses, “I had to come see for myself.”

Ben sighs, his appetite suddenly gone. Of course Callum was the reason Pam came to see him, why wouldn't he be? The universe had a terrible sense of humour, or maybe it was karma. After all these years, every bad thing Ben had done, every mistake, maybe Callum was the world’s way of making him pay all at once. To tease Ben with Callum, give him hope, let him form a bond and then take it all away in the blink of an eye. Maybe Pam's visit was just the start of the process, the beginning of the end.

“I'm happy for you, Ben. Truly, I am. You don't need to hide your happiness just because I'm here." She smiles. "Being back here, seeing you, seeing the Square, it brings back a lot of old memories. Good memories. But that's all they are, Ben." She says. "Just memories."

Ben scoffs, "What, just because something is a memory you think I should forget? Move on? Allow myself to ruin someone else's life like I did with Pa-"

He stops himself mid-sentence, his heart skipping a beat at the mention of his name. It was one thing to think Paul's name, but it was an entirely different thing to say it.

"You didn't ruin his life, Ben." Pam says, her voice faint and soft, comforting even.

Ben settles his gaze on an empty chair behind Pam.

"He would want you to be happy, Ben." She says softly, "You know that."

Ben stands up from his chair, unable to put up with this conversation any longer. "What I want and what I deserve are two completely different things." He snaps. "Paul deserved better than me and so does Callum."

He rushes out of the restaurant and leaves his future with Callum behind at the table. If the universe thought it could mock Ben, well, it had another thing coming. If he had learnt one thing from Pam's visit, it was that things with Callum were getting too serious too fast and Callum deserved better, deserved more than Ben.

For Ben, there was only one way he was going to get Callum to see that.

***

It's late when Ben finally arrives home. The lights are off, Lexi is probably tucked up in bed, meaning Ben can wallow in his thoughts for the rest of the evening. Callum usually waited for Ben to get home before he came over, or sometimes they would arrive together. He had assumed that with him ignoring Callum's texts, then Callum would have stayed away. If he was being honest, he had hoped Callum had stayed away tonight.

His hopes are immediately crushed when he closes the door behind himself and hears footsteps hustling towards him from the living room.

"Ben?" Callum calls, switching on the kitchen light as he enters. "Oh my god, Ben!" Callum storms towards Ben, pulling him in for a hug.

Ben wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around Callum's waist, pressing his head further into his chest, breathing in his scent. It would be so easy to let himself fall back into the security net he had built with Callum. But he doesn't.

He doesn't hug back, he stands there like a stiff ironing board as Callum's heart quickens beneath him.

Callum pulls back. His hands fly to Ben's cheeks, turning his head from side to side in search of any cuts or bruises, an explanation to where Ben has been. But he finds nothing. Just Ben. His Ben. He looks the same as he did any other day, piercing blue eyes, freckles scattered across his face, beautiful. But there was something different, the soft crinkle at the corner of Ben's eye, the one he had whenever him and Callum were alone together, was gone. His face was hard, expressionless even, his eyelids drooped and Callum brushes the pad of his thumb across the dark circles underneath Ben's eye.

"I've been worried sick." Callum says softly, not wanting to disturb a sleeping Lexi. "Where have you been?"

"Work." Ben says, his tone cold.

Callum furrows his brow. He studies Ben's face, something was off.

"I thought something had happened to you." Callum flexes his fingers on the back of Ben's head, carding through the short hair that rested there. "You weren't answering any of my texts."

Ben sighs, "I was busy." He flinches back from Callum's touch, not allowing himself to feel comforted by him. He didn't deserve that, not after what he was about to do. He throws his keys onto the kitchen counter, stepping further away from Callum and leaning against the counter. "Where is everyone?"

"Lo and Jay have gone out for the evening, some fancy hotel." Callum smiles at the thought, "You weren't answering your phone so they asked me to watch Lex til you got back."

Ben laughs bitterly, "First my clothes, now my daughter. You want to just take my job at the Arches and the car lot as well? Better yet why don't you just move in altogether, you'd like that wouldn't you, Callum?"

Ben isn't making sense, he knows he isn't making sense. But he doesn't care. He's pushing for something, anything to hurt Callum.

Callum looks taken aback, his mouth dropping open as he searches his brain for words. "I wasn't-" His words get stuck in his throat, "I didn't-"

"What?" Ben snaps, "You didn't think? He laughs coldly, "You never really do, do you?"

"Ben-" Callum's voice is desperate, apologetic even. Callum may not have known what he did wrong, but here he was, trying to fix it anyway.

"Save it, Callum. Alright?" He interrupts, "I don't want to hear it."

Ben's words are like knives to Callum's chest, he suddenly feels like he's under a microscope, like Ben is examining him, pulling out all his flaws, imperfections, everything, and reigning in on them all at once, like an avalanche.

"What's happened? Why are you being like this?" Callum asks.

"Nothing has happened." Ben scoffs, "Like I said, I was busy."

“Too busy to let your boyfriend know where you are after disappearing?”

There it was. That word. It seemed like it had been chasing Ben from the shadows for days, weeks, ever since Callum had asked him on a date. The word had been tugging at the back of his mind, sparking happiness on most days but not today, not now. The word felt weighted, dirty, like a padlock, that was closing around Ben's heart. He felt nauseous. They had never explicitly stated that they were boyfriends, but just like pretty much everyone else in the Square, Callum had assumed.

Ben laughs bitterly, forcing the words out. “You're not my boyfriend, Callum.” They taste like acid on his tongue, the whole inside of his mouth has an awful, bitter taste. But this is what he needs to do. This is what's best for Callum.

“What?” Callum says quietly. He shifts on his feet, staggering back a couple of steps as the words cut through his ears.

“What, you thought spending the night a couple times a week made us boyfriends?” Ben jeers.

All the colour drains from Callum's face, his worst nightmare coming true right in front of his eyes. Ben was laughing at him. Laughing at what Callum had. Laughing at the idea of Callum wandering around the Square casually mentioning he was cooking for his boyfriend, or he was going for a drink with his boyfriend. Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. The idea of being exclusive with Callum had made Ben laugh. It just proved what Callum had thought all along, Ben saw him as a joke.

“Come on, Callum. Surely you knew we weren't-.” Ben bites.

"Don't." Callum snaps, "Don't do that, Ben."

"Do what?" Ben says sharply.

Callum raises his voice, "Don't pretend like this is all one sided. Like you don't feel the same way I do."

"If I'd have known a couple rounds of sex would have you all up in your feelings-"

"Shut up!" Callum cuts Ben off, raising his hand he draws in a sharp breath, composing himself. "We're more than that and you know it."

Callum wasn't backing down and Ben could see it in his eyes. He had the same look in his eyes as he did all those weeks ago in the Vic when he came out. Determination. Want.

“Don't push me away.” Callum whispers, hurt evident in his tone. "Please."

Callum inches forward and makes the mistake of reaching his hand out towards Ben.

"You should leave." Ben says, flinching back.

"Look, whatever it is that's bothering you, we can work it out." Callum's voice is desperate. "We can get past it. I can help you."

"I don't need your help." Ben bites, "I need you to go. Just-" He sighs, looking up at the ceiling, "Just leave me alone, Callum."

Callum shakes his head, blinking back tears. "I can't." He says, "I can't do that, Ben."

"I wasn't asking." Ben says firmly, his voice rising.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Callum!" Ben warns.

"What?" Callum yells, "You expect me to walk out that door like it's so simple, like it's easy. Where am I supposed to go, Ben?"

Ben presses his lips together in a tight line, his face passive. "Home." He says, "Go home, Callum."

"I am home." Callum exclaims, "This is my home. With you and Lexi."

Ben eyes Callum carefully, watches as his lip trembles. Callum's fighting, giving everything he has to keep Ben, because he knows. He knows if he leaves tonight then there's no coming back from this. Something about this felt so final.

"I love you." Callum yells, failing to keep the crack in his voice at bay.

It takes Ben a moment for the words to sink in. He hadn't prepared himself for them, hell, they hadn't even come into the equation. Well, not for Callum, not yet. Sure, Ben had been thinking about them, he had almost let those 3 words slip off his tongue a couple times when he woke next to a sleeping Callum. But he knew, once those words had been said then they can't be taken back.

Ben gulps, shaking his head slightly, willing the thoughts away. "That changes nothing." He says, coldly. "Now if you don't mind, I have to take my daughter to school tomorrow and I could do with the sleep."

In that moment it's over.

Callum had cried in front of Ben before, but he was damned if he was letting the man who just broke his heart see him cry one more time.

He reaches for the door and practically runs down the path and back the the flat. The wind stinging his eyes, causing a few stray tears to slip down his cheek. When he gets to the flat, it's empty, uninhabited, like a ghost town almost. He slams the front door and falls to the floor, back pressed against the wall, tears falling freely, messily, loudly. He places a hand over his mouth, muffling his sobs.

It was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this fic and leave a comment or a kudos. It truly means a lot. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as much as I did writing it. 
> 
> As always all comments and feedback are encouraged and appreciated. 
> 
> Thank you!! :)


	3. Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum bumps into Pam at the parlour and he doesn't quite know what to say.

Callum scrunches his nose as the sun breaks through the window, waking him from sleep. The warmth of the sheets send shivers down his spine and for a split second, Callum felt whole again, his fingers flexing across the covers in search for the familiar touch of Ben. But he doesn't find him. His hands fist the empty sheets, his eyes snapping open violently, as he takes in his surroundings, an empty room.

He rolls onto his back, the overbearing sense of loneliness circling through his veins, like fire, cutting off all oxygen to his throat. Suddenly, he can't breathe. His muscles felt weak and exhausted, burned out. He closes his eyes, the memory of last night flooding in. He lets out an exasperated sigh, groaning as he throws a hand over his face, pressing his thumb against his temple, willing the thoughts away. But they don't go, it's like the more he wishes them away, the harder they hit him, like a tsunami. Ben's harsh words being swept out to sea by the tide, becoming nothing more than a whisper. But then the tide comes racing back towards Callum, Ben's voice growing louder and louder until it's shouting, screaming, roaring.

Callum remembers sitting against the wall, his back aching as his cries echo throughout the flat, all attempts to quiet his sobs failing. He had sat on the floor for what seemed like hours, hoping Ben would turn up at his door, tell him that he was wrong, that he was scared, that it wasn't over. But he didn't, it wasn't a very Ben thing to do, come to think of it.

He somehow found his way into his bed. The small room feels like a coffin, suffocating Callum, the walls too close, the bed too small, this was not his home, this is not where he belonged. The harsh light creeps in from the window and reveals his bedroom. There are no stray socks or underpants scattered around the place, everything is packed neatly away, besides from a stray black tie dangling over the open door. If not for the small photo frame on the bedside table containing a photo of Ben, Callum and Lexi together on a picnic blanket, grinning from ear to ear, it would be impossible to guess the room belonged to Callum. The place was practically unlived in, a stranger.

He leans over, picking up the frame, his fingers brushing over the glass. He frowns, his bottom lip trembling slightly as he recalls how the family he had grown to love had vanished in one quick moment, the worst part being Callum didn't even know why. Ben had given him no answers. Just asked him to leave, rejecting Callum, mocking him. That's what hurts the most. That Ben had found it so easy to break his heart, to kick him out of his life and give him no explanation for it. Callum had never thought Ben was cruel, not really, not when anyone cared to look hard enough. Ben always just wished he was. Perhaps that was why he did it. Maybe he wanted to prove that he was cruel, that he was his father’s son.

Callum's voice had been so desperate, so pained, so hurt, he can hear his own words ringing in his ears. If Ben had asked him to, he would have said those 3 words over and over again because he wasn't embarrassed to admit he had fallen for Ben. He was happy. Happy he had found someone he could love, properly, entirely, unconditionally. Callum had finally accepted himself, was comfortable with who he was, being with Ben and building a family. Clearly, that was not how Ben felt. Sure, Callum knew Ben gave it the hard talk when it came to feelings, but he had seen through it, Callum had seen the real Ben that was hiding beneath the surface. The Ben that was kind, funny, loving - a protector. Right at the start of Callum's coming out, Ben had gotten cold feet, had let his worries and guilt push aside his feelings for Callum, but they were past that. At least that's what Callum had thought. After everything, Ben had flipped, it was as if he flicked a switch and suddenly nothing mattered, Callum didn't matter.

He places the photo frame back down on the table and busies himself with getting ready to head down to the parlour. The truth of the matter was, there was nothing Callum could do to change Ben's mind, he knew that. Once Ben had made a decision, it was setting stone, there was no going back. It was over. Dwelling on what happened last night wasn't going to change anything, Callum would have to learn to move on, knowing this didn't make any of it easier, though.

***

It's around noon and Callum is head first into a pile of paperwork, mumbling away to himself as he tries to organise it, when he gets an unexpected visitor.

"Hello, darling. Is Jay about?"

Callum's head shoots up from the paperwork. He's greeted by a friendly smile from none other than Pam Coker.

Callum blinks several times, taking in the image of the woman in front of him. His cheeks grow warm when he realises he hasn't answered her question. "Sorry." Callum stutters, "He's not in, it's, uh, it's his day off." He explains. "Can I help at all, Mrs Coker?"

Pam doesn't seem to notice how long it took Callum to respond, either that or she's just too polite to mention it. There's still a smile on her lips when she enters the room, "Please, it's Pam." She says, resting her palms on the back of the empty chair across from Callum, "I've come to get the books."

Callum nods, rising to his feet. "Jay mentioned something about that, actually." He says. "I think they're in his office. I'll just be a moment." He shoots her a smile and heads out the door.

Callum had only had two brief interactions with Pam. The first when she interrupted his tea with Ben and the second on his lunch break, she had caught him as he was heading out of the parlour to go look for Ben. From what he had gathered, Pam seemed nice and she cared a lot for Ben. Callum had seen it in her eyes the first time they met, the bond they shared.

He hadn't expected Pam to follow him through but she does, he feels her gaze on the back of his head, the hairs on his neck standing up as he hears her footsteps approach.

"Jay had you do all the filing?" Pam asks, as Callum rummages through the contents of Jay's desk.

"Yeah." Callum stifles a smile, sweat forming on the top of his brow. "I don't mind, really."

"Careful not to let him off too easy, won't you, dear?” She chuckles.

There was something about Pam that Callum found oddly comforting. She brought a sense of warmth with her, she had a good heart. To an outsider it would be hard to see why her and Ben got on so well, but to Callum, well he could see exactly why the two found comfort in each other. It wasn't just because they had both loved and lost Paul, it was more than that. They cared for each other deeply, they were important to one another. Callum could see that the first time they met in the cafe.

"I wanted to apologise." Pam says, causing Callum to stop his assault on the cabinet and look back at her, confusion painted across his features. "For interrupting you and Ben the other day in the cafe."

Callum frowns at the mention of his name, for the most part he had managed to push the memory of last night aside whilst he focused on reorganizing the filing system. He shakes his head, trying to waver the memory off. “Don't be silly. It was just-"

"It's been a long time since I've seen him so happy." Pam cuts him off before he can say anything more. "After Paul, well, he was a mess. We both were. There was a time when I didn't think he would ever move on, he was so focused on trying to do right by Paul that he stopped living for himself. He lost the spark that my boy fell in love with. He was losing himself."

"Losing someone you love-" Callum pauses, a vivid image of the box in his wardrobe containing all of Chris’ letters and belongings creeping into his thoughts. "It ain't easy."

Pam’s face softens as she locks eyes with Callum. It's almost as if she is looking right through him, like she can see all of Callum's past, all his thoughts, all his feelings. It's as if she can see Callum understands, like she somehow knows that he has lost someone too.

"He's happy with you." Pam says after a moment, "I saw it the other day in the cafe. The way he smiled, the way he laughed.” Her eyes grow glossy as the memories flash through her mind, “It's been such a long time since I've seen him like that."

Callum can feel his eyes start to swell up, tears threatening to spill down his cheek. He had thought Ben was happy too. This was proof. Pam knew Ben just as well as Callum knew him, maybe even better, if she thought he was happy then maybe it wasn't one sided after all. Maybe Ben really did feel something, and it wasn't just Callum, after all.

"I can see you care for him, dear." She says. "And he does for you, too."

"I don't think so." The words roll off his lips before he can catch them. He returns to searching through the cabinet, pulling out the books Jay had labelled 'Pam 2019'.

Pam's smile fades, "What do you mean?"

With Jay and Lola both gone on the stay to the hotel and not expected back until later this evening, Callum had no one to talk to about what happened. Sure, there was Stuart, but he would just be glad Ben had ended things rather than actually listen to Callum and help him figure out what he did wrong, why Ben had shut him out. Maybe that's why he confides in Pam.

"We had a bit of a row." Callum admits, “I say we, but-” He sighs, “He ended things.”

Pam looks stunned. She didn't expect Ben's outburst at lunch to lead to him arguing with Callum. “Oh darling, what happened?”

“I don't know.” Callum says honestly, “I thought we were good, you know? I thought we were happy just taking each day as it came but then he wasn't answering my texts and I got worried, I thought something had happened to him.” The word don't stop coming out, it's like they had been saving themselves up, brewing in a pot that was now overflowing. Callum couldn't stop himself. “And then he came home and I could tell there was something bothering him but he wouldn't talk to me.”

Callum’s voice breaks off. He blinks back tears as he plays Ben's words over once more, 'That changes nothing.'

“I, uh, I was rushing things too fast, I think.” Callum says after a moment, “It was stupid really, thinking we were official. I just assumed.” Callum scratches the side of his temple, something he had learnt from Ben. “I guess we both just wanted different things.”

Pam looks at Callum and he can see the pity in her eyes, it's as if she's seen this before, like Ben had sabotaged himself more than once.

Pam was practically a stranger to Callum. Sure, Ben trusted her and that was more than enough for Callum to trust her too. Maybe that's why he had blurted everything out. But as soon as he's finished, he regrets it, as if saying it out loud somehow made it more real. 

“Sorry.” He rushes out, running his thumb under his eye, catching a tear before it could hit his cheek. “You don't need to hear about my problems.” He steps forward and hands her the books he had managed to fish out, "This should be all of them." He says when she takes the books from him.

“You love him.” Pam states. Her expression showing that something had finally clicked into place, like she had worked Callum out right in this moment.

Callum’s bottom lip trembles, he tries to confirm the words Pam had said, but they get stuck in his throat and so he simply nods. It's a sad nod, a broken nod and suddenly he can't fight back the tears, his gaze flickering to his feet, a silent sob escaping his lips as he nods again.

“Come here.” Pam says, placing the books on the table and reaching her arms out, pulling Callum down for a hug.

It doesn't feel strange to Callum. He lets himself be comforted by her, between her short height and her soft words, Callum could pretend it was Ben. He rests his head in her neck and lets out a small whimper as Pam hushes him, as Ben had once done.

“He's an idiot.” She whispers, rubbing her hand up Callum's back.

Callum sniffs, “But he was my idiot.”

After several minutes, Callum manages to get both his breathing and his cries under control. When they break apart, Callum rubs his eyes, a customer could walk in at any moment and he was in no position to deal with them.

“Look, darling, why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off.” Pam breaks the silence, her voice quiet.

“But Jay’s not here. They'll be no one here to sort the customers out.” Callum says weakly.

"Don't you worry about that." Pam stretches her hand out, resting it on Callum's arm. "I'll sort it, alright, love?" She squeezes gently, comforting Callum.

Callum places a hand on her shoulder, “Thank you.” He says as he scoots past her and heads for the door. Maybe the fresh air would do him good.

“You remind me of him, you know.” Pam calls out, stopping Callum in his tracks. She turns around to face him, “Paul.” She smiles. “He always saw the good in the world, saw the good in Ben. Of course, he saw the bad too, but everyone has a little darkness in them, don't they?” She quirks. “But he never let what anyone said about Ben change what he thought about him. He loved him anyway.”

Callum nods, finding himself speechless.

“I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I can see why you love him. He's a good person, deep down, and he needs someone like you to remind him of that.” Pam says. “He deserves to be happy.”

Callum gives her a sad smile, "Try telling him that."

She smiles, waving her finger at Callum, "Just you leave your idiot to me, alright?"

***

Callum had headed back to the flat after his encounter with Pam. He changed out of his suit and into his jogging bottoms and t-shirt, deciding that going for a jog would help clear his thoughts.

He's jogs for a long time. Letting the wind take his thoughts afloat. He loses track of time after that, jogging through the park, the Square, the market. He's halfway to the parlour when he spots him.

Ben.

He is holding hands with Lexi, smiling and laughing like he would any other day. He seems to be making his way to the cafe. That was their tradition, the three of them. Ben and Callum would pick Lexi up from school and then take her to the cafe for an iced bun. She would ramble on about her day as Ben and Callum nodded and smiled along fondly.

Ben throws his head back in a laugh before glancing around the Square to see if anyone saw. That's when he spots Callum. Lexi somehow follows his gaze, jumping with excitement as Callum approaches them cautiously.

“Callum!” She squeals, letting go of her dad's hand and running towards Callum, her arms outstretched.

He catches her, picking her up as she throws her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

“Hello, darling. You alright?”

She pulls her head back and nods before burying her head back in his neck.

Ben had stopped in his tracks, his face hardening as Callum headed towards him, carrying Lexi. Neither of them speak, Callum had tried to make eye contact, but Ben had kept his gaze firmly on the floor.

Callum puts Lexi down, ruffling her hair.

"Are you coming with us to get a bun, Cal?" Lexi asks, her voice hopeful.

Callum wants nothing more than to do exactly that, but he can't.

"No, sweetheart." Callum says softly.

"Why?" Lexi inquires, her bottom lip sticking out. "Don't you want to come with us?"

Callum stoops down to Lexi's height, "Course I do. I just-" He feels Ben's burning stare on him. Callum side-eyes Ben, he doesn't risk connecting their eyes, he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep a brave face if he does. "I just-"

"He's busy, baby." Ben cuts in.

"But he's been busy all day." Lexi frowns, "You didn't even take me to school today."

Callum presses his palm to her cheek, "I know. I'm sorry." He plants a soft kiss to her forehead before standing back to his own height.

"Go on, princess, why don't you head in and see your nan." Ben says, rubbing her back.

Lexi glances up at Callum, he nods his head at her, giving her a small wink. She turns and heads into the cafe.

Ben wipes his forehead, the bitter words he said last night ringing in his ears. He knew exactly what to say to hurt Callum, to get him to go. In the long run, Callum would understand, maybe even thank him. As much as Ben cared for Callum, seeing Pam had made him remember everything. The parts of himself that he had tried to forget, were now more prominent than ever.

"Is this how it's gonna be from now on?" Callum doesn't attempt to hide the hurt in his voice. "You just gonna ignore me?"

"What do you want me to say, Callum?" Ben's tone is disinterested, like talking to Callum required all of his effort and energy that he clearly did not want to give.

Callum scoffs, "You could start with what happened last night."

Ben is quiet. He won't dare to meet Callum's gaze. He would hurt Callum, that was inevitable. It was just a matter of when. Last night was his attempt to get it over and done with before either one of them got too attached, but it was too late. Callum had broke first, admitted his feelings, given Ben the choice to crush his heart. Of course, Ben only did what was expected of him.

Callum's face softens, his voice weak when he says, "If you tell me what I did wrong-"

"Stop, Callum." Ben interrupts, raising a hand. "Don't embarrass yourself any further."

"What, you think I'm embarrassed?" Callum shoots, "Because of what I said? Because I told you I lov-"

"I said stop it." Ben warns.

"No." Callum says firmly, "I'm not going to stop, not until you tell me why you-"

"I don't want you, Callum!" Ben yells, his hand shooting over his head. "Alright? I don't want you."

Callum staggers backwards, he feels the eyes of dozens of market people staring at him, judging him, pitying him. Maybe some of them are happy, happy Callum is finally seeing the Ben that everyone else sees.

"Is that what you want to hear?" Ben offers, "Are you happy now?" He clenches his jaw, "Look, the truth is, you were just another crack at the whip. That's it." He states, "Nothing more than an experiment."

Callum swallows the lump in his throat, "That's not true." His voice is faint, "You're lying, that's not true."

"Do I look like I'm lying to you?" Ben's eyes meet Callum's. That gorgeous blue that seemed to sparkle when he looked at Callum is gone, his eyes are like icicles, cold, sharp, emotionless even. His hard stare is just another knife to Callum's heart.

Shaking his head, Callum steps closer to Ben, "I know you feel the same way I do." Callum's fighting with everything he has left, "And I think you know that too." He doesn't care about the prying eyes, he just wants Ben. "I think you're just scared of being happy."

Ben laughs bitterly. "Yeah, well, I don't care what you think." He spits. "Now, my little girl is waiting for me and I've wasted enough of my time on you, already."

Then he's gone.

He disappears into the cafe, leaving Callum more broken than before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response to this fic has been amazing and I can't thank you enough for all of your support. It means a lot! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as always, all feedback and comments are encouraged and appreciated. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!! :)


	4. Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben meets with Pam for the last time, can she finally talk some sense into him?

Ben awakes without Callum for the second morning in a row. His bed felt empty and bare, like something was missing. Something is missing, Ben knew that. But whether he was prepared to admit it, well that was an entirely different thing.

After his run in with Callum in the Square yesterday, he had headed home. Lola wasn't due back until later in the evening and so Ben had ended up playing monopoly with Lexi, or rather he ended up teaching her how to cheat next time she played it with anyone else.

They eventually settled on watching a film, Lexi was cuddled up next to Ben and it didn't take long for her to fall asleep. He had carried her upstairs to bed and tucked her in, before calling it a night for himself. He doesn't know what time Lola got back or if she ended up spending the night at Jay's. Ben was too busy changing into his joggers and t-shirt and climbing into bed, hoping sleep would release him from his Callum driven thoughts.

It wasn't until he had the cover wrapped tightly around him and his nose pressed against the duvet, that he smelled what he was so desperately missing. Callum.

At first he thought it was just the sheets that smelled of Callum and so he made a mental note to wash them. But when he glances down under the covers, his heart skips a beat. The t-shirt. That damned t-shirt. Looking back, it's where all of his doubts began. That Monday morning where he saw Callum wearing his top, cooking breakfast with Lexi at his side, so domestic, so homely.

Initially, Ben had wanted that scene to be his morning for the rest of his life, the three of them, their own little world.

But then Callum had dropped the hint about taking the next step, having his own draw at Ben's. That was a pretty big deal. The step right before you decide to move in together. Ben and Callum hadn't even had the boyfriend talk yet and there Callum was, talking about their future like it was so simple, like it was effortless. Maybe it would have been. But it's too late now, Ben had managed to push Callum away and destroy their world in the blink of an eye.

Despite the t-shirt being washed, Callum's scent was still so very prominent. It was like fire to Ben's nose, stinging, burning, imprinting itself into his memory. A constant reminder of what he had and what he gave away. Ben liked to think that if it was any other night he would have torn the top off, disposed of it completely, leaving no reminders. But right now, he was lonely. So awfully lonely.

The duvet is still wrapped tightly around his body when he wakes, his t-shirt clinging to his chest. He risks rolling over to Callum's side of the bed and pressing his nose against his pillow. A mistake. It smelt like that awful hair gel he always had in his hair and there was an underlying hint of Ben's shampoo that had attached itself to the pillow. Ben chuckles lightly at the discovery of finding where all his shampoo kept disappearing to, it makes sense come to think of it.

But between the mixture of hair gel and shampoo there was something else, something that was so uniquely Callum. Something that attacked Ben from every sense when he closed his eyes. He could smell him, hear him, see him sprawled across the sheets, feel his hand wrapping around his own waist and he could taste him, the small trace of mint toothpaste becoming overwhelming.

The faint sound of footsteps pacing outside his door, snaps Ben out of his thoughts. Knuckles knock gently and Ben immediately knows who it is. Besides from Callum, there was only one person in the house that bothered to knock.

“Lexi?” Ben calls, his voice full of sleep.

The doors creaks open, the dull light from the landing seeping in momentarily, before a small shadow pushes it back out.

Ben sits up in his bed, “You alright, princess?”

“I had a bad dream.” She says quietly, her hands dropping in front of her as she links her fingers together.

“Come here.” Ben says softly, patting the empty side of the bed.

Lexi practically runs across the room and dives onto the bed next to him. She slips under the covers and Ben pulls her close to his chest, planting a soft kiss to her head.

“Can you take me to school today?” She asks, looking up at him with wide eyes.

Ben smiles down at her. Lexi had him wrapped around her finger and they both knew it. “Course, baby.” He says, pressing another kiss to her head.

She snuggles in closer to her dad, "Is Callum gonna come with us?"

Ben's heart sinks at the mention of his name. Despite everything he had said, he did care for Callum, that was the reason he did what he did. But that didn't make the outcome any easier, in fact, none of it was easy. What made it worse was seeing Callum fight so hard for Ben, fight to keep the family they had built. But he would soon learn that Ben wasn't worth his fight.

“I don't think so, baby.” Ben whispers.

She pulls her head back to look at Ben, “Why? Don't he like us anymore?”

Ben frowns, his eyes glossing over. Between Lexi’s sad face and the words he had said to Callum on constant repeat, 'I don't want you', he was finding it hard to keep his composure. Callum had walked into his life and left his mark on everyone and that was something Ben had no control of getting rid of.

“Course he does.” Ben says, rubbing her back. He's trying to comfort himself as well as Lexi. “He's just-” Ben frantically searches for the right words, how to explain this in a way that would not upset Lexi. The truth of the matter being that admitting he had kicked Callum out of his life, didn't seem too appealing to Ben. It was as if he said the words out loud, then he wouldn't be able to take them back. “Callum and I, we're just taking some time to think, darling.”

“When is he coming home?” She asks, “I miss him.”

Ben swallows the lump in his throat. Right here, right now, he gets to be vulnerable. Just him and his daughter, confessing.

"Me too, baby.” He says after a moment, his fingers brushing through her hair.

Lexi smiles up at him, “Is that why you're wearing the top he uses for cooking? Because you miss him?”

Lexi was very clever for her age, she didn't miss a thing. Ben had called her satellite ears multiple times, which of course earned him a stern look followed by a clip behind the ear from her.

“It's my t-shirt, you doughnut.” Ben says, hoping to mask the sadness in his tone by tickling her.

It seems to work for the most part because she erupts into a fit of laughter, all her worries about Callum swept away, but that doesn't happen for Ben. Seeing how much Callum means to Lexi is enough to push him over the edge. He waits until he's in the shower, his small sobs thankfully muffled by the running water.

*******

On his way back from dropping Lexi at school, he spots Callum heading into the cafe. He looks exhausted, burdened, not at all what Ben had imagined he would look like. Sure, he knew Callum probably wouldn't take it so well at first, but he thought he would have eventually realised that Ben was doing him a favour. That this was what was best. For Callum, at least.

His hair has less gel in than usual, a few strands sticking out from the side, losing their fight against the harsh wind, something which Ben liked. But what he didn't like was the dark circles that had formed under his eyes and the crease in his forehead, that revealed to anyone who looked at him that he was unhappy, distressed, alone. Ben hated it. Hated that he was the fault for Callum's pain, but what he hated even more is that if he wanted to, and believe him he did, he could restore Callum's joy with one simple conversation. But that wouldn't be fair. He couldn't rope Callum in again on the basis of empty promises, a list of what if’s and what could be’s. Callum needed certainty, needed something concrete, something unbreakable and Ben, well, Ben just couldn't give him that.

He waits until Callum has disappeared into the cafe before heading to the parlour in search of Jay.

“Well if it isn't Walford’s very own heartbreaker.” Jay mocks as Ben enters his office.

“Leave off it, Jay.” Ben says. The image of Callum on loop haunts his mind.

Jay scoffs. “You should have told me you were coming. I would of pulled the tub of raspberry ripple out the freezer for you.”

Ben sighs, “I didn't come here to talk about any of that.”

“Course you didn't. Ben Mitchell doesn't do feelings, does he?"

Ben flops himself down in the chair across from Jay. “How was your trip?”

“Oh, it was great. I loved having my night with my girlfriend being interrupted by Pam ringing to tell me I have to come home and sort you out.” Jay's words drip with sarcasm. “Just standard, isn't it?”

Ben is quiet. Letting the words sink in. How did Pam know about what he had done. Ben hadn't spoken to her since lunch and that was two days ago.

Jay shakes his head. “You know, when I told you to let Callum know he wasn't your boyfriend I didn't actually mean for you to do it-”

“Did you say Pam called you?” Ben asks, cutting Jay off.

“Yeah, why?”

“Pam?” Ben asks again in disbelief. “Why would Pam call you?”

Jay leans back in his chair, “I don't know, mate.” He scoffs lightly, almost disbelievingly, as if he can't believe how much of an idiot Ben actually is. “Probably because Callum told her everything that happened and no one could get a hold of you.”

Ben is quiet again. The words aren't making sense, nothing clicking together until he hears Callum's name. Then it does. It's like a lock clicking together, a circuit being completed, Callum had spoken to Pam. His Pam. Paul’s Pam.

“You're a muppet. Do you know that?” Jay says. “Look, I know when you care about someone you go into all self-destruct mode and try to push them away before they get too close, but Callum's different.”

Ben lowers his head.

“He cares about you, Ben. I mean really really cares about you. Anybody who looks at the guy can see he's head over heels for you. He came out in front of half of the Square, including his scumbag of a dad, because he wanted to be with you.”

“I know.” Ben murmurs.

“You think he would have done all that if he wasn't planning on being in it for the long run?” Jay quirks.

“This ain't about that.” Ben counters, “I know he was in it for the long run, that was the problem.”

Jay exhales heavily, “Are you even hearing yourself right now?”

“He was getting too attached, Jay. He was talking about getting his own draw in my room, planning a future. He was setting himself up to get hurt, get messed up." Ben's voice trails off.

“Here we go, the Ben Mitchell pity party. Shall I round everyone up for you? Grab a box of tissues whilst I'm at it?"

"This ain't about me!" Ben snaps, "This is about Callum and what's best for him. The truth of the matter is, I ain't good enough for him. Alright? He deserves someone good, someone decent, someone who ain't a criminal."

"Who you trying to convince?" Jay says softly. "Him or you?"

It's quiet again. But the silence is not awkward or uncomfortable. It's the kind of silence you get after finding out the answer to a long drawn out question. It's humbling and comforting, like a blanket that's protecting all of Ben's thoughts, keeping them hidden until he's ready to let them out.

"Look, you're my brother and I love you but-" Jay cuts himself off, seeing the pained expression on Ben's face. "You've messed up, mate."

"I know." Ben's voice barely audible. "I know." He repeats, his voice threatening to crack.

There's no rest for the wicked, or the broken it would seem, because just as Ben starts to accept the possibility that he was he made the wrong choice, Callum comes walking in.

"Sorry, am I interrupting?"

There it is. His voice. His goddamn voice that has Ben's knees buckling beneath him. He's missed him, of course he's missed him. Missed his silly comments during Ben's favourite rom-com's and musicals, missed his dazzling smile that somehow makes each day that much better, missed his breath against his ear, whispering sweet nothings. Ben's missed his arms around his waist, missed his hand holding his, his hand cupping his cheek, his hand on the back of his neck pulling him in for a kiss. God, he's missed him.

But it's too soon. He can't just jump back in and pick up where they left off. It would be so easy to do just that, to go back, live as they were, forget this whole mess. But that wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair.

Ben draws in a sharp, exaggerated breath and stands to his feet. "No." He says sternly. "No, I was just on my way out."

He makes the mistake of looking up at Callum as he passes him. He looks so defeated, so exhausted. He doesn't look like he's slept, maybe he hasn't. Ben's words were enough to keep any poor soul awake.

Callum nods slightly, his head barely tilting forward as he swerves out of Ben's way.

Ben swears he can see Callum's face drop. All the fight leaving his features, leaving a deflated, broken man behind. He's given up. Just as Ben had wanted him to, had needed him to. But if this was what was right, then why did it feel so wrong?

Callum's eyes are red and puffy, accentuating the dark circles under his eyes. Ben wishes he could reach out his hand, run his fingers across his bags and make them all disappear. He would cradle Callum's head and hush him to sleep, protect him, watch over him.

But that's not his job anymore, not his privilege. He lost the right to comfort Callum when he gave him up, when he pushed him away. When he chose to end things. When he chose to be alone.

He gets out of the parlour and rests his back against the wall. He gasps for air, as if his lungs aren't holding any of the oxygen in. He feels like there's a vacuum in his throat, the more he breathes in, the quicker the oxygen runs out. He closes his eyes, trying to slow his rapid breathing. After a moment, it starts to work. His breathing slows and he realises he needs to get away from the parlour. And so does.

He's halfway down the market when he spots Pam. She smiles when she sees him and waves him over.

“Alright?” Ben says a little breathlessly.

“Hello, darling.” Pam says, linking her arm with Ben's and leading him through the rest of the market. “I'm heading back home today. My train leaves at 1.” She says. “You got time for a quick chat, love?”

Ben nods. “For you, always.”

Coincidentally, Pam leads Ben to the park. The same bench where Ben had come after their first chat. The same bench where he decided to end things with Callum, that he was better of without Ben.

“I spoke with Callum yesterday.” She confesses. “He told me what happened.”

Ben chews the inside of his lip. He knew this was coming but that doesn't stop him from tensing at the mention of his name. Ben wasn't surprised Callum had confided in Pam, it really could have been anyone, though. Anyone who would have listened.

“You care about him, Ben. Don't push him away.” She says softly.

“It's what's best.” Ben's voice is quiet.

Pam scoffs, “For who? You or him?”

“For both of us.” Ben says, “He deserves better, Pam. He's a good person.”

“So are you!” Pam counters. “Everyone who knows you, the real you, can see that. Why can't you?”

Ben shakes his head and flickers his gaze away, focusing on something in the distance.

The truth is he wasn't a good person, not really. He was selfish, cruel, deceitful. He was destined to ruin Callum's life, mess him up. But that didn't stop Ben from wanting him.

“Do you love him?” Pam asks.

Ben inhales sharply. The words pierce his skin in a thousand different places. He had thought those words, he was allowed to think them. As long as he didn't say them, it would be fine.

But Pam is leaving and Ben doesn't know when he will see her next. The least he could do was be honest with her now.

"I don't know.” He says honestly, “I think I could, if I tried. If I let myself.” His voice sounds foreign on his ears. He sounds small, so vulnerable, so exposed.

“What's stopping you?” She urges, aching her brow, “He loves you. I could see it in his eyes when I first met him, it was written all over his face." She smiles across at Ben, "The way he was looking at you it was like, well, it was like you held his entire universe in the palm of your hand." She rests her chin in her hand, "It's not easy handing someone your heart, giving them everything you have, and giving them the power to crush it."

Ben's drinking in every word she's saying, his heart beating faster. Callum's name, his smile, his words, everything, rushing through his mind, pounding against his chest, his throat, willing to be let out, to be felt, to be confessed.

"He hangs on to every last word you say." Pam says, "He doesn't care about your past, what you've done or said. He loves you."

Ben rubs his forehead. It was hard enough missing Callum after just two days apart. But hearing this from Pam, confirming everything Callum had said to him during their break up, it hurt. God, it hurt.

“I know.” Ben's voice cracks. “I know.”

"You know, he would want you to be happy." Pam's tone is soft but she's fighting. Fighting for Callum and fighting for Ben. "Paul would want you to live your life, move on with someone good, someone kind, someone who loves you, all parts of you.” Pam says. “He wouldn't want you moping around, feeling sorry for yourself.”

Ben's mouth curls into a sad smile, he knows. He's known all of this, he just couldn't accept it, he couldn't accept that he was allowed to be happy.

“You deserve to be happy. You deserve to fall in love again, Ben.” She says, “I miss Paul everyday and I know you do too. But moving on, being happy, that doesn't mean you've forgotten or replaced him.”

Ben is quiet, he let's her talk, let's her make him understand that it's alright to move on, that it's alright to let go.

"Letting go, does not mean forgetting." She whispers. "It just means you've found enough courage to accept the things you cannot change."

She reaches her hand across the table, covering Ben's with her own.

“He's special, your Callum.” She smiles, “The way he looks at the world, full of optimism, full of hope. He reminds me of our Paul.”

Ben smiles, “They would have liked each other.”

Pam nods, her eyes glossing over at the thought of what could have been. “I know I don't need to tell you this but the world is a dark and dangerous place, Ben.” She raises her hand to Ben's cheek, forcing him to look up at her. “Once you find that light, don't ever let it go.”

Ben leans his cheek further into Pam's hand, bringing his own hand up, holding it in place for a moment longer.

In that second, all the stress, all the worries, all the pain seems to be stripped away. Leaving behind something small, just a name, his name. Callum.

“Next time you come to visit me and Les, I expect you to bring that handsome boyfriend of yours, got it?” Pam warns.

Ben nods.

As much as he wants to promise her that he will bring Callum, he can't. Because Callum isn't his anymore, he made sure of that. But Ben is Callum's. He has been for a long time, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

But right now, it wasn't about Ben, it was about Callum, it had always been about Callum, about what was best for him, about what he deserved. But now, now it was about winning him back and about making things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and your continued support. It means so much to me!!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> As always, all comments and feedback are encouraged and appreciated. 
> 
> :)


	5. Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to start by saying thank you to every single person that had read, commented, liked or talked about this fic. The response has been so overwhelming and I appreciate every single one of you. 
> 
> This fic has been so fun to write and create and it's going to be sad to see it put to rest. 
> 
> But I hope you all enjoy the final instalment of this story!! :)

The morning had flown by. Ben doesn't remember getting out of bed or what he had for breakfast or what Lexi was jabbering in his ear on the way to school. He had one constant thought on his mind, one face, one smile, one name. Callum.

Between his talk with Jay and Pam, Ben had been working up the courage to go and see Callum and explain everything. He hoped he would understand, see that Ben was just trying to do right by him. But he wouldn't blame Callum if he never wanted to speak to him again, he did break his heart, after all.

He doesn't bother heading to the parlour because it was supposed to be Callum's day off. Callum and Ben had planned a dinner for this evening. They even had it pencilled in for two weeks because it seemed to be that whenever they had plans for their other date night's, they were either interrupted by Stuart or Ian or one of them had to cancel because of work. So, they had both cleared their schedules two weeks in advance, ensuring that this date was concrete, ensuring nothing could get in their way. However, neither of them planned for the possibility that they would ruin it themselves.

Ben heads for the cafe first, hoping to catch Callum with his floppy hair and face deep in a greasy breakfast, but he's not there. The cafe is practically empty, besides a few locals and of course his mum behind the counter.

“Alright, love?” She asks, “Skip your breakfast, did you?”

If Ben's being honest, he can't remember. He had been completely entranced this morning, the words of what he was planning to say to Callum on constant replay in his mind.

“No, no.” Ben says, waving his hand out in front of him. “Have you, uh, has Callum been in here yet?”

Kathy cocks her head to the side, bringing the hand that was rested on her hip up to her face. She scratches the side of her temple. “No, darling. I haven't seen him.” She says. “You two had a row or something?” She asks.

“Something like that.” Ben mumbles. He frowns and bows his head, nodding it slightly.

Kathy was hardly ever at home. Between working shifts at the cafe and the Albert, Ben really didn't see that much of her. She was always gone early in the morning to open the cafe, so they didn't really get to spend that much time together anymore. Maybe it was all his feelings about Callum or maybe it was just the fact that he missed his mum. But Ben can't stop the tear that falls from his eye and rolls down his cheek.

Kathy races from behind the counter and throws her arms around his shoulders, pulling him in for a hug.

He could feel a dozen sets of eyes burning into the back of his head, but he didn't care. He needed him mum right now.

“What on earth has happened?” She asks, pulling him to a nearby table.

“I was an idiot.” Ben says, wiping his hand across his forehead. “I pushed him away.”

Kathy furrows her brows, “What?”

“He told me he loved me, mum.” Ben's voice is small and faint. “And I just kicked him to the curb. Broke his heart. Twice, actually.” Ben laughs in disbelief. If he doesn't laugh, he concludes he will probably break down right here in the cafe.

“Oh, Ben.” Kathy says, squeezes his hand with her own.

“I care about him, I do, I just wanted him to be happy. You know, find himself a good bloke, someone who is deserving of him.”

“Ben, darling. You are deserving.” Kathy says warmly, “I know I'm your mum and you think I'm biased but you deserve to be happy too. And if Callum is the one that does that, then you need to tell him.”

Ben sighs, “What if I'm too late? What if he doesn't want me anymore?”

“And what if he does?” Kathy counters. “If he loves you like he says he does, then those feelings don't just go away just because you ask them too.”

Ben glances down at his hands. He wanted Callum. He was ready to be happy. He was ready to move on and live his life. He was ready to begin his future with Callum. He was ready for it all and he wanted it more than ever.

*******

Ben finds himself outside Callum's flat, pulse racing, stomach flipping over and his heart on show, exposed for the world. He readies his knuckles to tap on the door but stops. He draws back and takes a deep breath before raising his hand and knocking the door, his hand trembling as he withdraws it.

He imagines Callum will open the door, be stood there with his hair all floppy, wearing a plain t-shirt and his jogging bottoms, just how Ben liked. He would have that dazzling smile on his face, the one that has Ben weak at the knees, and he would look happy to see Ben. But that's not what he gets.

Ben shoves his hand in his coat pocket as the door swings open.

"Why can't you use the bloody buzzer!" A rough voice shouts from behind the door.

Ben steps back slightly, it wasn't Callum. That was just his luck, really.

"What do you want?" Stuart says, leaning against the door.

Ben coughs, clearing his throat, hoping to keep his voice steady when he answers. "Is, uh, is Callum in?"

"No, he ain't." Stuart spits.

Ben isn't sure if Callum has told him about what happened or if this is just Stuart being Stuart.

“Where is he?” Ben asks, scratching his temple.

“Out.” Stuart says. He always did like to patronise Ben. But Ben wasn't here to mess around, this was serious, this was about Callum.

Ben sighs heavily and turns to leave. But Stuart stops him.

“Look, I don't know what my brother sees in you, Ben Mitchell, but you make him happy.” Stuart says. “He's barely been out the flat all day and I'm guessing that's down to you, yeah?”

Ben is silent, he doesn't even turn his head to look back at Stuart. He just stands there in the middle of the hallway, letting Stuart talk.

“I can see that you care for him, but-” He pauses, his voice now softer. “But if you can't fix whatever it is that you did, if you ain't serious about him, then stay away. For his sake.” Stuart says.

Ben starts walking, he gets halfway to the staircase when Stuart stops him again.

"He's at the Vic." Stuart calls before slamming the door shut.

And that's exactly where Ben finds himself heading to.

*******

It's too early to be drinking, Callum knows that. But he doesn't really have anything else to do. It's his day off and the only place he can go that even slightly feels like home, is the Vic. If he goes to the cafe he would risk running into Kathy. She would only ask questions and Callum couldn't handle questions right now. The flat started to feel like a prison, just a constant reminder of what he has without Ben. If he's being honest he doesn't like it, in fact, he hates it. He hates how lonely he feels. He hates how these past few days have seemed to last forever. It all feels like one long nightmare that Callum can't wake up from. He could pinch himself all he wants or even smash a bottle against his leg and he wouldn't wake up. He feel so trapped, so alone.

“Come on, halfway. You could at least crack a smile. You're scaring away all the punters.” Mick says, handing him a bottle of beer.

“Sorry.” Callum says. He could tell Mick he has nothing to smile about, he would be telling the truth. He didn't just lose Ben, he lost Lexi, he lost his home, he lost his family.

“What's got you all in a huff, then?” Mick says, resting his arm on the counter.

Callum takes a sip of his beer, hoping to drown the lump in his throat. “Ben’s finished with me.” He says quietly. His heart sinking as he finally says it out loud.

“What?” Mick says surprised. “I thought you two were getting on alright?”

“So did I.” Callum says dumbly. “But looks like I got my wires crossed, again.”

Mick furrows his brows in confusion, “He didn't say why?”

Callum shakes his head and takes another sip of his beer, “No.” He says. “No, he just didn't want me, that's all.”

“I'm sorry, son." Mick says, patting Callum's shoulder with his hand.

Callum gives him a small, sad smile before heading over to a booth to drown his sorrows.

*******

He's nursing his second bottle of beer when the door to the Vic swings open. He has his back turned to the door and he doesn't glance up when the cold rush of wind swoops in and races up his back. He can feel the stares of a concerned Mick coming from behind the bar, followed by hushed whispered. But if he's being honest, he doesn't care. He doesn't care about any of the prying eyes on him, pitying him, right now he pities himself. If this is how lost and how heartbroken he feels after just a few weeks with Ben, imagine how he would feel if this had happened later on down the line instead.

He hears Mick mumble a small, "Good luck."

Then there's a faint sound of footsteps that seem to be approaching Callum from behind, apprehensive of whether to disturb him or not.

He smells him before he sees him. The mixture of leather and vanilla and that sweet shampoo Callum loved to steal. There's something that's just so very Ben about the scent, so comforting, so homely.

"Alright?" Ben's voice cuts through his body, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his entire body shivering at the sound.

Callum can't talk, can't look in the direction of him. He made that mistake yesterday, saw the pity in Ben's eyes when he looked at him. He didn't want his pity, but then Callum rarely ever got what he wanted.

He hums in response, not wanting to be rude. If Callum was anything he was polite and approachable. A friend. Ben Mitchell breaking his heart wasn't going to change that.

"Mind if I join you?" Ben asks.

Callum can hear Ben forcing the words out, trying to pretend it isn't hurting him to talk to Callum, trying to pretend this is completely normal. But Callum knew Ben too well, he knew that familiar strain in his voice, the strain of trying to keep his voice from cracking or wavering. The strain of trying to keep his true feelings hidden.

Callum signals to the empty chair across from him with his beer bottle. He takes a sip of it, his throat suddenly feeling dry and constricted, like someone has their foot pressed against his heart and lungs, forcing all of the air out.

"Bit early to be drinking, ain't it?" Ben quirks. He taps his knuckles along the table. As Callum had learned, this was a nervous tick of his.

He knew Ben so well. He could pick apart his expression in a second, starting with the crease in his brow to his heavy eyelids to his glossy eyes. Ben wasn't do as well as Callum had thought. But he pushed all of those thoughts to the back of his mind, this wasn't the time for him to be comforting his ex. He needed to focus on putting on a brave face, show Ben he was strong.

"Yeah, well, it's my day off and it's not as if I've got anything better to do, is it?" Callum's voice is cold and hard, just how he means it to be.

Callum wonders if Ben remembers their plans for their date. It all seems so ironic looking back, they were so tired of everyone interrupting them and yet they somehow managed to destroy the course of their entire relationship all on their own.

"Why are you here, Ben?" Callum asks. He's exhausted. Exhausted from his own thoughts, from hiding his heartbreak, from putting on a strong front.

"I, uh, I thought we could talk." Ben says quietly, glancing down at his hands that have interlocked with each other.

Callum draws his top lips between his teeth and scoffs. "What, is this you giving me the 'I want us to be friends' talk?" He raises his brow.

"No." Ben says a little too quickly. "No, no, it's nothing like that."

Callum sits back in his chair, his eyes burning into Ben's face, forcing him to look up at him. He shoots Ben a look to signal him to start talking, and he does.

"I just, I wanted-" He pauses, the words get stuck in his throat. "Look, I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry for what I said, for pushing you away. I-" He swallows the lump in his throat, "I- I didn't mean it."

"What do you mean you didn't mean it?" Callum asks.

"You were right." Ben says after a moment. "I was scared. I was scared of being happy, scared of what I felt, scared of how I suddenly couldn't picture my future without you." He confesses, seeming to have no control over his words. "I just-" He sighs, "When you started talking about getting your own draw, I just, I just panicked, alright?"

Callum's face drops, his lips curling into a frown. So it was his fault, he had moved too fast. Said the wrong thing, caused Ben to freak out.

Ben seems to see all of the blame flicker behind Callum's eyes and he perks up in his chair.

"No, Cal-" He stutters, "I didn't mean it like that." He rushes out, "I just- I just-"

He cuts himself off with long, exasperated sigh.

"I care about you a lot, Callum." Ben says softly, "You're the first person I've let in, I mean really let in, since Paul." He winces slightly at the mention of his name, Callum wishes he could reach his hand across the table, take Ben's hand into his own, comfort him. He could if he wanted to, something tells him that Ben probably wouldn't flinch away either.

Callum doesn't say anything. This was Ben's chance to explain, to make Callum understand, just as he had asked the last time they properly spoke. This was his lifeline. After everything that happened with the old army video resurfacing and Callum not being given the chance to explain it to Whitney or anybody really, anybody except Ben. Ben had listened, had stayed quiet, had let Callum tell the whole story before opening his mouth and making his own conclusion. The least Callum could do, was return the favour.

"When Pam turned up, everything just hit me, all at once, it just came crashing down and took my legs out right from under me." Ben says. "I was just starting to really be happy, to let myself go. Then Pam turned up and I just felt so, so guilty." He spits the last word, his brows snapping together as he continues to talk. "Seeing her brought back everything that happened with Paul, everything that I put him through. All I could think about, was that I was going to do the same to you." He says quietly, "That I was going to ruin you, mess you up, just like I did to Paul."

He pauses to catch his breath, his breathing heavy as the words continue to roll from his tongue. "All I kept thinking was that you deserved better. You deserved someone good, someone who ain't a criminal."

It's like he's not talking to Callum anymore, but like he's lost in his thoughts, like he's fighting himself.

"All I kept asking myself was why. Why did I get to move on, start again, find someone good, someone like you?" He asks himself, his eyes narrowing as he focuses on the table. "I just couldn't-" He sighs, finally admitting defeat. "I just couldn't let myself be happy. I couldn't accept the idea that maybe, just maybe, after everything, I deserved to be happy or, or, that I deserved to be with someone like you." Ben says softly.

He scratches the side of his temple. "But Pam, she, uh, she said a couple things that made me realise that when you have something good, something worthwhile, you shouldn't let it go." He says. "I shouldn't have let you go."

Ben finally looks up and meets Callum's wide eyes. He gives him a small smile and swallows loudly. "Can I ask you something?" Ben says.

Callum nods, his eyes blinking rapidly, as if he's been in a trance the entire time and is only now waking up from it.

"Did you mean what you said? About being in love with-"

"Yes." Callum says instantly. Because he did. He really did.

"Well, I'm sorry about that too." Ben murmurs. "I don't deserve it."

Callum shakes his head and leans forward across the table, his voice low. "Everyone deserves to be loved, Ben. Even you." He says, "Especially you."

A corner of Ben's mouth twists up into a smile, his eyes soften when he looks at Callum. "You've got to stop doing that." He says.

"Doing what?" Callum asks.

"Saying things that make me want to kiss you." Ben's voice is barely audible.

"But you said you didn't want me." Callum counters, his voice faint. "You said-"

"Yeah, well, I say a lot of things." Ben interrupts.

Callum is quiet, Ben's confession overwhelming. Making the blood rush to his ears.

"I was just trying to do what was best for you, Callum." Ben admits.

"No." Callum scoffs. "No, you were doing what was best for you. What was easy-"

"None of it was easy, Callum." Ben says sternly. "None of it."

Callum takes another swig of his beer. Ben knew where Callum stood, he knew how he felt, what he wanted. Now it was Ben's turn to tell Callum where he stood.

"I just thought you deserved better than a crook for a boyfriend." Ben says.

Callum's eyes go wide when he says the word. It seemed that word had been the start of all their problems. Callum had kicked himself for mentioning it so soon, believing it had been the thing that pushed Ben away. Yet here Ben was, letting it roll off his lips so freely.

"What, you think I don't know about your dodgy dealings? You think I don't know you ain't the straightest business on the market?"

Callum sees Ben fight back the smirk that threatens to tug at his lips due to Callum's unfortunate turn of phrase.

"You know what I mean." Callum says rolling his eyes.

Ben lowers his head, shame evident on his features. He had tried so hard to keep Callum out of that world once they got together, and here Callum was telling him he already knew and that it didn't matter. None of mattered.

"Ben, the first thing you did when we met was sell me a stolen van." Callum says. "I know I ain't the brightest bulb in the box but I'm not stupid. I don't need protecting all the time."

Ben is silent. It's Callum's turn to talk. Ben had placed his pieces on the table, it was Callum's turn to do the same, before they both started gluing them back together.

"You give out pieces of yourself to people, but you never let them see the whole picture." Callum whispers. "But I have seen it. All of it. I know exactly who you are." Callum exclaims, "You just don't know you the way I do."

Callum smiles. Here he was handing the glue over to Ben, asking him to start fixing what he broke.

"But anyway, we weren't exactly boyfriends were we?" Callum offers, Ben's words sounding like a distant memory now. "I'm just a mate, just an experiment."

"Callum." Ben shakes his head in disbelief, "You ain't just a mate. You were never just a mate." He says, his eyes burning as they lock with Callum's.

"What am I then?" Callum asks, placing his beer on the table and leaning forward, his hands pressed together.

Ben mimics Callum's actions, his gaze dropping to his hands. "What do you think you are?"

Callum laughs off Ben's words. "No. No, you don't care what I think, remember?" He snaps, his finger jabbing against the table, "You know how I feel. That ain't changed. It will never change." He emphasises every word, forcing them to sink into Ben's head. "You once said to me to forget what my head was telling me and to listen to my heart." Callum says, "Now it's your turn."

Callum isn't backing down. He knows what Ben wants. What the purpose of him coming to the Vic was, but he wanted to hear him say it. For once, Callum was going to get what he wanted.

"Alright. Alright." Ben says after a moment. "So I don't know exactly what you are right now but I do know what I want you to be?"

"Yeah? Well, what's that?" Callum asks.

"My boyfriend." Ben murmurs, his voice barely audible.

Callum bites back his smile. There it was. His confirmation, his confession. His feelings for Ben were not one sided, they never were.

Callum ducks his head, turning it to the side as he cups his ear, "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that-"

"Callum Highway, will you be my boyfriend?" Ben says loudly, several heads turn towards them.

Ben Mitchell, the bad boy of Walford. Here he was, sitting across from Callum, exposed and vulnerable. Here he was, with his heart in his hand, asking to be loved.

Callum gives Ben a smile. A warm smile. A loving smile. A winning smile.

"Course I will, you idiot."

"Yeah?" Ben grins, his tone saying something of disbelief. 

Callum returns the smile, "Yeah." He says softly.

*******

Turns out, confessing your feelings in front of a pub load of people gets you a couple of free pints. It also gets you a free house for the evening.

Ben and Callum had just finished their meal. Callum had finally cooked him the chicken pasta he had been rambling on about for weeks. Ben wasn't going to lie, it was every bit as amazing as Callum had said. But he couldn't figure out if the food was genuinely that good or if it was a simple case of boyfriend bias. It didn't matter, it was good regardless.

When they've discarded their plates in the sink and have let their food digest, Ben decides it's time for his final surprise.

He stands up from the sofa and stretches his hand out to Callum. "Come here, there's something I want you to see."

Callum takes Ben's hand and lets himself be led upstairs. They get to Ben's room and Callum is just about to scold him for making him move out of his comfortable cuddling position but Ben cuts in first.

"So, you know how you said you should have a draw for your things when you stay over?" Ben urges.

Callum grimaces, that was the line that had triggered this entire mess. "I wasn't being serious-" Callum says quickly.

Ben stands on his tiptoes and raises his finger Callum's mouth, hushing him.

"Callum, I'm trying here." Ben sighs, but there's no bite to his tone. "Can you just let me do the things that boyfriends do?"

Callum nods, a smile tugs at the edge of his mouth.

"Well." Ben says walking towards the chest of draws, "I figured if you're gonna be staying over then you might as well have one."

Callum follows Ben to the draws, his face lighting up when Ben opens the top draw to reveal it's empty.

"Just for convenience." Ben taunts.

Callum snorts, "I love it."

"Good." Ben says, turning and wrapping his hands around Callum's waist. "Just don't come asking for half my wardrobe, alright?" He teases.

Callum beams down at him, and presses his lips to Ben's.

Ben lets out a breathless moan. He missed this. Missed the way Callum managed to knock him off his feet whenever he kissed him. Missed being able to wrap his arms around his waist, pull him closer. He even missed the smell of his awful hair gel. Ben had missed precisely all of him.

In this moment, Ben concludes that maybe he does love Callum. Maybe he has for a while. Maybe it had just taken someone like Pam to come along and give him the push he needed to see it, to stop avoiding it, to finally confront his feelings.

Ben had given his heart to Callum whether he liked it or not. Callum had chosen to accept it, chosen to love him, chosen to build a life with him, chosen to give them another go.

And Ben, well Ben, quite frankly loved that Callum did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the first instalment. Be prepared for some angst next chapter.
> 
> As always, all feedback and comments are encouraged and appreciated. 
> 
> :)


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